Voices In My Head

Original Post: Saturday, July 19, 2008

I'm bone weary. Do you ever have weeks like that? Where your body is all but shutting down by Saturday night and your eyes hurt like you've just sobbed for hours but you haven't shed a tear and you start panicking because tomorrow's Sunday already and you haven't even touched the laundry and Monday is screaming up your tailpipe like an angry trucker? Such has been my week. Kasey put it best when she described what I'm feeling as paralyzed. Like all I can do is follow my kids around from room and room in an attempt to thwart them from the danger that would be imminent should they be left alone.

I don't mean to complain because, really, I have it pretty good. I have a home that is cozy and safe. I have a husband that loves me and is an amazing dad. I have two of the most precious children ever and they are healthy and sleeping soundly in their beds. And most importantly, I have a faithful and unmoveable Lord who loves and cherishes me deeply.

But sometimes, despite the number of times I repeat this little list of blessings, my entire being disregards it and politely asks, Please quit with the lists and feed me something that has been deep fried. And perhaps also dipped in chocolate, if that's possible. And if you could manage to do something completely mindless, like sit on the couch and watch hours of television, that would be swell of you. I like that voice. Ok, maybe I don't like it because, if we're honest, that voice makes me lazy and cellulitic. But I'm comfortable with that voice, so I listen to it and pretend I do so because I like it. Like that voice and I are buddies and I really should be accommodating to such a great friend.

But then there's this other little voice. More like an itch in the back of my brain. It says something like, Really? With the fried foods and the chocolate and the sloth impersonations again? Really?! Maybe you should do something else. Like make your brain process something other than Sesame Street or Wipeout. Like attempt to be creative or intelligent or at least coherent. That voice and I tend to bicker. Did you ever have anyone tell you that itches are entirely in your head and if you force yourself to not think of them then they'll go away? I don't really believe that, but I try it anyway with that little back of my brain itch. It doesn't seem to be working. But then again it never worked on real itches either.

So I heed that stupid and annoyingly healthy voice. Hence, here I sit, typing away and blithering on about weary bones and fatty foods and brain itches. And you're probably reading this and thinking, Good heavens. This girl does need a fry sundae. And you're probably right. But as I journey on with God, I'm learning that a lot of times that little voice that I like to ignore and bicker with isn't just me. It's Him. Calling me to something else, something bigger, something that demands things from me that I only possess because God put them there on purpose. And while there is probably no real kingdom changing waves rushing out of my little blog to save the world there are heart changing waves that rush back at me when I do something that utilizes a gift from the Lord. Am I saying that God told me to start a blog? No. Definitely not. But He did call me to live in the fullness of who He made me. And for me that sometimes looks like writing what I'm thinking and stretching my creative muscles. And I figure that while I'm about it, I might as well share it with some people because, who knows, maybe someone can relate. Or at least get a good chuckle out of my silly little world.

Hope your weekend is full of blessings and lots and lots of chuckles.

~erika